Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Special Requests and Dietary needs

The US Gondola Nationals is less than a month away.
So many exciting things are happening in my office as we
plan and prepare for it all.

Just today my amazing wife informed me that she'd
secured breakfast for both days.
I think I actually did the "happy dance".

Among the many interesting things I've seen while preparing for this event:
Registration forms.

As I go through the mail each day, I'm excited to see who has sent in their registration.  There are so many friends who I can't wait to see.

One of my favorite things is reading what some have written in the "special dietary needs" section and the one that says "additional information you think we should know, or special needs you have".

This guy wants this,
that guy needs that,
one guy's a vegetarian,
another guy wants the meat that the vegetarian isn't gonna eat.

Most of it is quite understandable, and really,
exactly why we designed the forms with those questions included.

Also, as I look at the forms, I know who not to sit next to if I'm planning on leaving any bacon on my plate.

With much thoughtfulness, a few entrants mentioned that they'd be
bringing young children - a good thing to be prepared for
(I wonder if they'll be wearing stripes).

One guy requested that we have spritz.

Another "Lots of pasta!"

A certain rower mentioned that they'd like "a strong oar".

"Wine! A lot of wine!" was the single request from another guy.

"If there could be some attractive middle-aged women,
I would be grateful".
This one served as prime evidence that gondoliers have the best sense of humor.

Then, there was this guy.
He wrote "see reverse" , and this was on the back of the page:

I believe the term "for the win" was designed for situations like this.

Of course, a well-thought-out set of requests like the one we see here, deserves serious consideration. 
My team and I have given thought to each point listed.

Without question, "Dukes of Hazzard" was one of the best TV shows ever.
(along with "The A-Team" "Six-Million Dollar Man", and "Miami Vice")
This weekend, however will be packed with races to row, so I haven't set aside a 70's TV show viewing lounge, but in the interest of making everyone happy, I can certainly look into doing so (especially if it means that fewer of you will be racing - because I can use every advantage I can get).

Likewise, if liquoring you all up will slow you down on the race course, I'm happy to line up as much vodka, Prosecco, Campari and Heineken as I can pump into you.
(again, I'm fifty years old, I can use the advantage)

Sorry to say that I could only find a used foot massager.
I'm not sure how clean it is, but you're welcome to use it.

"Temperature must be 68 degrees" -yeah, I'm sure that we can accommodate that.
Somewhere on the property I think it will be 68 degrees. 
You can dress there.
If you find that it's in the walk-in fridge, just tell them that it's your "private dressing room".

If you really think you'll need a Janet Jackson headset microphone, my staff and I will see what we can do, but you should know that you'll be called upon to sing the national anthem, and at least one of the following songs at the Saturday night singing event:
"Oops, I did it again" by Britney Spears
"If you liked it you should have put a ring on it" by Beyoncé
or "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen
(any selection from the "Rocky Horror Picture Show" will also suffice).
Any singing will, of course, need to be done immediately after consumption of the requested two bottles of red wine and both four packs of Red Bull.
Bonus points if you incorporate the rolling fake trees into your performance.

Of course after all of this debauchery, we will most certainly need a Catholic priest to take confessions and hose us all down with holy water.

All of the requested line items are available, but will affect the registration fee.

One thing is for sure though...
There will be NO HIPSTER MUSIC at my edition of the US Gondola Nationals.
Anyone caught walking in wearing flannel, faux-distressed boots, an ironic anything, and sporting a too-well-groomed beard will be summarily baptized in our free-range, locally-sourced, sustainable salt water.

Musicians should think twice before they reach for a banjo or mandolin.
And anyone wantonly yelling "HEY!" in their songs may find themselves getting pelted with the M&Ms, nuts, pistachios, and 375 seedless grapes mentioned in the request above.
(I think I know how to rig up the used foot massager as a catapult)


Anyone wanna guess who's registration form had that on the back?

1 comment:

Bepi Venexiano said...

My guess is the prolific comedic master of Mission Bay.